Tired on a roll

It’s been a busy few days.

Come to think of it, starting from last week, I’ll have to sit at the reception each time I go to my former place of work. Now, that will be weird.

Muse: Hi, I’m here to see my (ex) boss.

Receptionist: Hello? There’s a Muse here to see Muse’s (ex) boss. Is he available?

Anyway, having packed my bags and said my goodbye to all my numerous girl friends (I wish), I proceeded to my place of birth and breeding, the ever-famous city of Aba – but first, a short trip to the paradise city of Calabar.

Did You know that I almost left my phones behind in Lagos? Just an aside; just an aside!

Calabar is a beautiful city by all standards (especially when the standards are Nigerian). From the immaculately clean streets to the smooth, well-tarred roads, Calabar is ne city that makes you want to go home, turn your state Governor face-down / ass-up, and give him a spit-shined, healthy leather boot-covered kick in the ass – just a few hundred times. I mean, this is a city in a state that, though in the South-South geopolitical zone of Nigeria, is not an “NDDC” state. Yep, that means they ain’t got oil. And if they ain’t got oil, they ain’t getting no oil allocation from the FG, which naturally means that they should be the least developed of the NDDC states. Right? WRONG!

Waiiiiiiit a minute! This is not a post about Calabar or even about politics – this is a post about MY busy few days. Calabar will have to wait.

Oh, did I mention that Calabar has a vibrant night life (as if you didn’t know already)?

SO...I spend a coupla nights in Calabar (where by the way, my host treats me to a sumptuous meal of pounded yam and affang soup), then zoom off on a three-hour journey to Aba. Said trip was nice and all, but trust the Nigerian Police to mess things up. Just as we got into Aba, some hungry-looking (remember folks, this isn’t profiling; it’s actually their trade mark) mobile police men stopped us. Driver brings out his hand to do the “usual”, which piques the officer. In righteous indignation (of course), the officer decides he’s going to do a thorough check on the bus...and guess who’s boxes he wants to see their contents?

By this time, I’m thinking “add another drama to my life, and you might as well just call me Britney Spears”.

Sure, I did disappoint the police. What did they expect to see...weed (although there were some tea bags that looked pretty suspicious)? All in all, that was not funny.

Next stop, Abiriba (my villa y’all). Burial. Nothing much. Except that my sister decides to come home with her coin-box-displaying friends of hers.

Did you know that coin boxes came in different shades and sizes – even foldable? I swear!

As if the coin-box assault was not enough, one of her friends decides she likes me. Me! What the heck?! One minute I’m standing alone, the next...”Hi!” WHAT THE HECK?! You’re still in the university for goodness’ sake (like that matters)! And not to mention the thing of you coin-boxing everyone within sight! To top it off, you’re my younger sister’s friend (you think I’m going to be foolish enough to give all y’all something to gossip about?)! Ha! In fact, double haaa!

My troubles were not over. Not just yet.

The next day I zoom off to Aba again, then from there to Onitsha, being driven by the most maniacal driver I’ve ever had the misfortune of entering his vehicle.

Oh, wait. There was that other guy who got so drunk that he caused the car to summersault three times! I’m glad nothing was broken – on me sha. He had to wear neck braces for a long time.

I get to Onitsha in one piece, thank God, having survived a reckless driver and a spit-throwing, irate driver who was cut off by our idiotic bus driver. Unfortunately, some of that spit landed on me.

I’ve been defiled.

So here I am, sitting out a three-day induction at the regional office of a bank, after which I move to my place of posting (Aba). This is more like detention than induction, ‘cos all I’m doing is sitting and wishing I was not here.

Anyway, come tomorrow I’m outta here, and even though I almost can’t stand any more travelling, I’m looking forward to this trip.

I’m also looking out for that maniac of a driver!