This is not a Freaksho!

Resigned! I'm going back to my state (Abia), to start getting myself ready for what lies ahead (Ibiluv, wanna bet again? This time about my being a politician, of course)? Anyways, I don't know how else to write about it, so here's a transcript of my farewell "speech" to my co-workers.

Enjoy.

Okay, so where do I start? I'm moving back to the East (Abia state in particular) to sort out a few family issues. I will be lying greatly if I said I will not miss leaving (workplace) and everyone I've been fortunate to work with these past ten months. As leave, it is with a heavy heart, but also a heart full of thankfulness for all the people that have made (workplace) the greatest working place I've ever been in.

Thanks, Madam Principal for your experience and words of wisdom (trust me, you have a way of pouring them out). To Dreads, you're the coolest boss ever (albeit older and less virile than you-know-who)! Mobutu? You make the workplace a funplace. Thanks, SOJ for your encouragements; "Bishop", for your "prayers", and "Soludo" for your advice (really); thanks my (that account) brand team members for all your troubles (which I somehow managed to reply in kind). Ofcourse, TRGI, you're one-of-a-kind. (Duh)? You know now.

Miss B…thank you. Kogi Boi…thanks for introducing me to HBR. Prof…you know you've challenged me to pick up from where I left.

To Freaksho…you're probably the best writer (forget the "old" guys, they've had their fame; we rule now) I've been fortunate to know; Ebaby, "cool" doesn't even begin to describe you; Aloofaa, you may not know it yet, but bet you my gubernatorial seat that I'll be reading about you in the papers, online, and watching you on TV. To Rud Boi and Chicken, just one question: una no dey tire? Y'all make the rest of us look bad! Go home! To (Mr. nice guy), O2 and T, na God go reward una; Don, Blacky and Capt. Finished artist, thanks for bringing my ideas to life.

E! Damn, S got there first! Just kidding, but you're the best. Ever!

Chubby, na only time go cure you; Igbo Boy, keep the hustle on man, never forget that iwu nwa Aba. BJ…thank God sey you don marry (phew!). "Ugly Betty" (you know you have a way to inspire me *wink*). Fine girl, thank God you won't be harassing me again; Fake Igbo girl wanna-be (let's not even go there); T-beybey, even though you no gree for me, me I gree for you. LOL. O.P (ope oh!).

I love all y'all, and will most definitely miss you.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned

Telling the truth is a whole lot like taking a piss. You take a good position, ready yourself and, when sure that the timing is right, fire away. The result? Sweet, heavenly relief – mostly.

 

So, sometime ago I lied about some "truths" I posted on this blog. It was a little white lie, honestly! I mean, come on...even you have had to lie, right?

 

Right?

 

 

Aw, okay, whatever. So now I have to tell the truth (and there's also that little bet between me and ibiluv). This should be as much fun as all confessions are. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

 

*I'm not catholic, so please forgive me if I get this wrong.

 

Muse:    Forgive me father, for I have sinned. My last confession was in...oh hold on...this is my first!

 

Priest:        May God give you the heart to feel true sorrow for what you're about to confess, my son.

 

Muse:        When I was younger, I wrestled with our house help.

 

Priest:        Well, the holy book does frown upon fighting....

 

Muse:        In our underwear.

 

Priest:        Good heavens man!

 

Muse:    She said we had to do it like it was on TV, father. She punched me with her hands and the round heaps on her chest. She fell on me and I liked it. She jumped up and down and I could only stare. Do you know what it feels like, father?

 

Priest:    Enough already! What else have you done?

 

Muse:    When I was younger I lied to my dad;

    I did so to stop the swing of his hand;

    Told him I even forgot my sister's name;

    Unfortunately, she wasn't game.

 

    Have you ever lied, father?

 

Priest:    Um, well...

 

Muse:    Never mind. You don't have to answer that.

 

    Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

 

Priest:    What, may I ask, have you done again?

 

Muse:    Nothing, father, this I didn't do,

    Yet, on blogville, did admit to.

 

    I never did like physics class,

    Never did like the teacher much.

I never liked her bony ass,

Forgive me father, for we're in church.

 

I did lie though, about liking her,

And how my Willie did salute.

Truth be told, I was an F9er

In physics, chemistry and other sciences. Shoot!

 

So now father I've purged my soul,

I lied, I failed, and I held her.

But I've just one question that may make me whole...

Have you ever had a boner?

    

Forgive me, for I shall sin...

When we were much younger, there was always a sure-fire way to make us tell the truth. It was not the beating (we somehow got used to that), neither was it the withholding of sweet goodies (we always managed to nibble some off our siblings). You see, we were built tough - and smart, so we always had a way to get round the threats of punishment.

Except one. We didn't want to go to hell.

What relief, it must have been then, when my folks (and siblings, and friends) found out that with the threat of all liars going to hell, we'd squeal like mice with a bad case of constipation. those were horrible days.

"Muse, which one of you spoilt the TV?"

"I don't know"

"All liars shall..."

(Pointing with amazing accuracy) "It was him!"

Anyways, that won't work now.

Or will it?

So, I've been tagged by CaramelD, and now I have to tell two truths and a lie, while leaving you to guess which is which. Hope you have as much fun trying to spot out what is true and what's a lie, as I had a tough time thinking them up.

So, father forgive me for I shall sin, for surely, one "truth" is a lie:

1. When I was younger, we had a much older house help who always loved wrestling with me - only thing was, we had to be in our undies. (What? We had to make it look as real as on TV!).

2. In secondary school, I had a crush on my physics teacher. (Curse the day she asked me to stand up and answer a question in class! Lil' willie decided it was the perfect time to raise his head as well.)

3. I once faked temporal amnesia to escape being flogged for having poor grades. (Told my dad I couldn't even remember my sister's name!).

What do you think? What's true? What's a lie?

Over to you.